It’s easy to assign the words “You’re OK” to your kids after they fall or fail, but it’s time to consider what that’s taking away from them. Teach your kids to expand their emotional vocabulary.
Imagine you’ve been hustling for months toward a promotion at work but your boss calls to tell you they gave a promotion to someone else. You turn to your spouse, eager for support and validation: A feeling of tightness is pulling in your eyes. Your spouse responds, “Aww, it’s OK, you’re OK.”
Imagine you’re walking down the street and your foot catches in a crack on the pavement. You fall to the cement with shooting pain in your ankle. So many feelings rush through your cheeks: Did I break it?; Dang, I spilled my coffee; Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I just busted my butt in front of all these people. Then someone, towering above you, announces, “C’mon! You’re OK! Just walk it off.”
Wouldn’t you want to scream at your spouse, “NO, I’M NOT OK! Why would you think I’m OK?” Or bark at the person assuring you that your throbbing ankle is fine, that you are in actual, physical, pain and need help? As adults, we don’t want people deciding how we feel, or how we “should” feel, so why would we expect our kids to be any different?
Whether a physical or emotional catalyst, our children are trying to process their feelings, and it is our job as their adults, to help them with that process. So if we’re assigning them our emotional response, without recognizing their experience, we’re taking away their autonomy.
In another example, if they fall on the playground and look at you, their person, and you immediately say, “You’re OK,” you’re eliminating their chance to process what just happened and assign it their own emotional response. Sure, you do it with the best intentions and assume they’re fine because you know your kids’ antics or whatever, but that doesn’t negate the fact that some aspect of what they just experienced needs to be processed BY THEM. It’s a missed opportunity to expand their emotional vocabulary. They may be many things other than OK; hurt, scared, embarrassed, or surprised. In some instances, like when they’ve been building an intricate multi-facited tower and it comes crashing to the ground, they might feel heartbroken. Help them process that.
So what do you do instead?
Shifting your verbiage by catching yourself in the “You’re OK” cycle is the first step. It requires a certain level of mindfulness, no doubt. Then replace “You’re OK” with the words, “Are you OK?” Already told them they’re ok? Correct yourself — rewire your mind. Help expand their healthy emotional vocabulary by not assigning them your feelings.
See what you’re doing there? You’re giving your kid a chance to reflect on how they’re feeling and grow their emotional intelligence.
Take this example: Say they fell backwards down the slide and they’re shaken up. You ask, “Are you OK?” A simple and resounding “Yes!” might follow, and they move on quickly after a hug and dusting off their tush. But if it doesn’t, we can follow that up with, “How are you feeling right now?” If they still seem like they’re struggling to name their emotion, try saying, “Was that scary?”
You see, you’re not going to say “That was scary”, because to them it could have been fun but instead they’re feeling embarressed because they thought other kids were laughing. You’re allowing them to recognize and label their emotions. Critical stuff.
Letting them think for themselves is one of the best gifts we can give budding minds. We might not always like or understand what’s going through those little heads, but individualized and critial thinking sure does make for happier and better balanced teenagers and adults.
